Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be called a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

The secret of getting ahead is getting started

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress

Laws control the lesser man…Right conduct controls the greater one

When in doubt, tell the truth

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect

Don't let schooling interfere with your education

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first

The lack of money is the root of all evil

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why

Truth is stranger than fiction, because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please

Buy land, they're not making it anymore

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt

All generalizations are false, including this one

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel

We have the best government that money can buy

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them